We don't even have our child yet, and I am already surprised by what people say
and ask. The questions and answers below aren't meant to be mean at all. They are real true questions or comments that were directed towards us or other adopted families. Please remember, when our child does arrive, truly watch what you say in front of them. Children
are sponges and very vulnerable due to the experiences they have already had to encounter at such a young age.
Other adoptive parents I know have heard these things, and I have absolutely loved hearing their stories and advice. So if you have any others, please let me know and I'll be sure to add them.
Please remember these points.
- Is it your right to ask?
- Why are you asking; is it to satisfy your curiosity or because you are interested in adopting or because you've adopted yourself and want to make a connection?
- How would you feel if anyone came up to you and asked you some personal questions about your pregnancy/medical costs etc.? Think of how you would feel if you were asked these personnel questions.
- Remember your own children, or my own one day, can be listening. You may affect their self-esteem. Or you may be putting judgements in your own children's heads. Be respectful!
1) "How noble of you to adopt."
Well, it's sweet that your being postive about the adoption. However, the definition of noble is: "possessing, characterized by, or arising from superiority of mind or character or of ideals or morals."
Superiority? We are not arising above others because of our moral obligation to adopt. Someone wouldn't say, "How noble of you to be pregnant." It doesn't matter how the child comes into our life, but that they are YOURS.
So if someone you know is adopting, treat it like a pregnancy. "Congratulations! That's wonderful. I'm happy for you." But no nobility talk.
2) "How wonderful of you to rescue a child."
Rescue? I'm not Wonder Woman, our child isn't in peril. Being an orphan is not necessarily a perilous situation as we will be adopting from the Foster Care system. They are being taken care of the best possible with what resources are available. Someone has already rescued that child from whatever situation they were in before and we are so very thankful for them... but us... we just want to love him for forever.
3) "That child is so lucky to have you guys adopt her."
I don't want my little girl/boy to feel indebted to us for adopting them. They shouldn't have to feel lucky. We'll be the lucky ones for having an amazing little one to call our own.
Saying he/she is the “lucky” one can make them think they owe you something for “rescuing”them. Many adoptees feel guilty because they have been given this message all their lives.
I don't want my little one to feel like anything other than part of our family. They have every right to be here and luck has nothing to do with it.
Rescue? I'm not Wonder Woman, our child isn't in peril. Being an orphan is not necessarily a perilous situation as we will be adopting from the Foster Care system. They are being taken care of the best possible with what resources are available. Someone has already rescued that child from whatever situation they were in before and we are so very thankful for them... but us... we just want to love him for forever.
3) "That child is so lucky to have you guys adopt her."
I don't want my little girl/boy to feel indebted to us for adopting them. They shouldn't have to feel lucky. We'll be the lucky ones for having an amazing little one to call our own.
Saying he/she is the “lucky” one can make them think they owe you something for “rescuing”them. Many adoptees feel guilty because they have been given this message all their lives.
I don't want my little one to feel like anything other than part of our family. They have every right to be here and luck has nothing to do with it.
4) "How much will the child cost?"
He/She isn't property; I'm not buying him/her! Our child should never think that children are for sale. Please, please don't ever degrade this precious child by asking questions as if they were up to be bought like an item.
He/She isn't property; I'm not buying him/her! Our child should never think that children are for sale. Please, please don't ever degrade this precious child by asking questions as if they were up to be bought like an item.
5) "How expensive is it?"
Yes, there are fees. Fees that may include processing of our documents / adoption agencies / government offices / travel / hotels, etc.
If you're interested in adopting, I can see the point of going over these details which we would more than happy to discuss, but otherwise you don't need to know. =)
I don't ask you about your personal finances. Being just curious about this point, doesn't mean you are allowed to ask it. So don't be offended if I don't answer it.
Yes, there are fees. Fees that may include processing of our documents / adoption agencies / government offices / travel / hotels, etc.
If you're interested in adopting, I can see the point of going over these details which we would more than happy to discuss, but otherwise you don't need to know. =)
I don't ask you about your personal finances. Being just curious about this point, doesn't mean you are allowed to ask it. So don't be offended if I don't answer it.
6) "Will you have any of your own?"
She/he will be our own. It's our child. Please don't refer an adopted child as not some one's own.
She/he will be our own. It's our child. Please don't refer an adopted child as not some one's own.
7) "Are you going to tell her that their adopted?"
No, never. They'll never know.... Are you kidding me?! Yeah, they'll know! He or she will be old enough to know what is happening even if they don't understand everything. And we are going to broach the subject how we see fit and whenever they want to discuss more details, we'll be open books.
No, never. They'll never know.... Are you kidding me?! Yeah, they'll know! He or she will be old enough to know what is happening even if they don't understand everything. And we are going to broach the subject how we see fit and whenever they want to discuss more details, we'll be open books.
8) "What happened to their real parents?"
Ooo! Sore spot hit! The "real" parents! We will be his/her real parents. There are her birth parents and maybe their foster parents, but we are the real parents. Or better yet, we're her/his parents, period. There is no "real" for terms in describing any parent.
Ooo! Sore spot hit! The "real" parents! We will be his/her real parents. There are her birth parents and maybe their foster parents, but we are the real parents. Or better yet, we're her/his parents, period. There is no "real" for terms in describing any parent.
9) "I'm going to have an adopted daughter / niece / grandchild / cousin, etc."
What difference does it make to add adopted to that sentence? Do you say "This is my biological cousin Jeff"? I don't think so.
So why say “adopted”? It means there is something odd or less than standard about our child.
She's family. Keep her as family. You can go into the adoption talk, possibly if it comes up later in the conversation. Be selective and sensitive. But don't throw it out there as the first thing to describe him/her. Please try not to say that in front of the child. Drop the "adopted". They have every right to belong and will be such a blessing to our family.
What difference does it make to add adopted to that sentence? Do you say "This is my biological cousin Jeff"? I don't think so.
So why say “adopted”? It means there is something odd or less than standard about our child.
She's family. Keep her as family. You can go into the adoption talk, possibly if it comes up later in the conversation. Be selective and sensitive. But don't throw it out there as the first thing to describe him/her. Please try not to say that in front of the child. Drop the "adopted". They have every right to belong and will be such a blessing to our family.
10) "Did you settle on adoption because you couldn't have your own?"
That's a double loaded question. First let's note the word "settle". Adoption isn't settling! Adoption is a wonderful choice and there are thousands of orphans right here in America that actually heartbroken for you that you don't experience that love. Those children are huge blessings in our life as well as their mommy and daddy's.
That's a double loaded question. First let's note the word "settle". Adoption isn't settling! Adoption is a wonderful choice and there are thousands of orphans right here in America that actually heartbroken for you that you don't experience that love. Those children are huge blessings in our life as well as their mommy and daddy's.
We absolutely love our godchildren as well as other best friends children that are in our lives and they are "Someone else's children". So I have no idea what you mean by that statement and I'm actually quite sad that you haven't experienced that love for another child. They truly are blessings in our life as well as their mommy and daddy's. =)
12) "Now that
you are adopting, you will for sure get pregnant."
Do not assume the family adopted because they were unable to conceive. Some do adopt because of infertility problems, but it’s not a second choice.
For many of us the need to adopt was much more overwhelming than the need to get pregnant. In fact, many of us have never had any desire to get pregnant, ever... and that's okay.
Also, it can be some one's first choice. Adoption doesn't always mean you can't have your own and it is our first choice. A lot of times if their are birth children in the home, the child may feel like a third wheel or not as comfortable in the family. Chad and I wanted to adopt and then have birth children so they will be excited to add more brothers and sisters to our family.
Do not assume the family adopted because they were unable to conceive. Some do adopt because of infertility problems, but it’s not a second choice.
For many of us the need to adopt was much more overwhelming than the need to get pregnant. In fact, many of us have never had any desire to get pregnant, ever... and that's okay.
Also, it can be some one's first choice. Adoption doesn't always mean you can't have your own and it is our first choice. A lot of times if their are birth children in the home, the child may feel like a third wheel or not as comfortable in the family. Chad and I wanted to adopt and then have birth children so they will be excited to add more brothers and sisters to our family.
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